Dear Zombie,
OK here’s the problem I’m dating one of my exes again and things are going great except that my friends and mother basically hate him. This may be partially my fault because I did talk badly of him after he dumped me but who doesn’t take being dumped badly? He also is to blame for them not liking him because we don’t exactly have the best history, he left me for another girl and then realized his mistake and is now back with me. I think I made the right choice to forgive him and get back together with him but obviously my friends don’t agree. Is there any advice you can give me on how to convince my friends and family to give him a second chance?
Sincerely,
Eternal PeaceKeeper
Dear EPK,
Let Zombie see if Zombie gots this straight. Problem is yer friends not wanna give this guy a second chance? That is the problem? Yer friends? Are the problem? Friends? Problem? Are? Zombie admit Zombie not always sharpest tool in the shed but Zombie think maybe somebody could have ended that letter after about 11 words. But Zombie not Dr. Phil so Zombie gonna run with it. Make this dude wash errybody’s cars. Twice. And make him sing “I’m Sorry” song at top of his lungs the whole time. If errbody not have car then make him wash windows or pick up dry cleaning or clean grout in bathroom or whatever. Zombie could do this all day. Friends not gonna give this cat a second chance so might as well let them have some fun with it.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Your mother wanted Zombie to tell you that she is very disappointed.
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Dear Zombie,
I heard Zombies do not actually like brains. That is just a ruse to get at your curtains. They really fancy themselves interior designers. What is your take?
Yours controversially,
Cara
Dear Cara,
Zombie take is that you should utup-shay about the terior-in-ay esigner-day. Mkay? Cripes. Zombie think Zombie can trust somebody with a secret…
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Can you dance? If so can you teach me? I dance like I have 2 left feet.
Ray
Dear Gamma Ray,
You has two left feet and you not sharing with your Zombie pal? That kind of selfish. How many feets does one guy need? Zombie been hobbling around on just a right foot all this time and you walking around with extra left one? Zombie not think you “that guy” but whatevs.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My 64 year-old mom is addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. She has my father watering her Zen Gardens every day. (Yes, she has 8 of them.) Is this the first step in your Zombie Apocalypse plan?
Sincerely,
Pang
Dear Pang,
No. First step of plan is to get your father to stop watering plants. Mabey you can get to work on that and then Zombie come over and Pang and Zombie can hang out. Zombie promise not to eat Pang’s brain.*
yrs,
Zombie
*Zombie not really promise that.
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Dear Zombie,
How do I deal with backaches?
MA
Dear Mom,
Zombie have no idea. This is dummest riddle ever. Not sure why you not just tell Zombie. Wait… oh, sorry. Zombie read that wrong but Zombie get it now. How do you deal with backaches? Okay, srsly, Zombie have no idea. Roll around on a tennis ball? Get one of them beady things what like taxicab drivers use and wear it like a shirt? Replace your spine? Hire some big dude to carry you everywhere like a baby? Stop doing the thing what makes yer back hurt? Lift with your legs! There it is. Lift with yoor legs.
Write it down.
yrs,
Zombie
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If you don’t have the answer. Maybe Zombie does.
Anyway, Zombie gets lonely when you don’t write. So write.
ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.